My Journey
I was always the chubby girl struggling to hide my imperfections in a bathing suit, always picked on for being chubby, and always shy about eating in front of anyone. It seemed that no matter what I ate or what exercise plan I chose I would always lose enthusiasm after a few days. I just assumed that because I was a chubby girl that I was “less than” everyone else.
I never tucked in my shirt, avoided belts and constantly camouflage my fleshy mid section. I just yearned to be skinny and not carry an oversized purse to hide my rolls when I sat down. It was always a dream. I was always the chubby girl. I suppose my addiction to potato chips didn’t help.
In January 1998, I delivered my daughter after a healthy pregnancy, which resulted in a 71 lb weight gain. I weighed in at 236 lbs. All this on top of my 5’4” frame that was already riddled with about 35 excess lbs. prior to my pregnancy. My psyche was traumatized. I realized that those cheese omelets, chicken slovakia and careless binges at Wendy’s had done a huge injustice to my health, my weight and my mental well being. I was an obese person now. I hated my reflection, I hated myself, and I slipped in to a coma of depression and self wallowing. Here I was - the most blessed woman on earth who was supposed to be enjoying the happiest time of her life with a beautiful family, and I had the audacity to hate myself.
I went through the motions of being a mom, a wife and a loyal employee for the next 3 ½ years. Living in size 18 pants, avoiding cameras and social situations, apologizing for being me and dodging eye contact, looking for the quick fix and hoping by some miracle I’d wake up thin!!!
The new fad diet was the Atkins craze and I managed to stay on the plan for a few weeks and lost some weight, leaving me at around 219 lbs. Still topping 200, I was married to a svelte lean man weighing in at about 160 lbs. I think could have crushed him! I still felt “less than” everyone else.
In September 200, the light bulb finally went off! My husband and I attended a friends wedding and posed for a picture. Well, after seeing that photograph, I realized my arm was as big as my husbands head. It had gone too far. I was a fat person. I wasn’t just chubby anymore. I was obese, unhealthy and extremely depressed. I HAD to make a change. And so my journey began…
I immediately put myself on a diet, a crash diet of course, because that‘s the way I‘d always done things…All or Nothing. It took me almost 8 weeks to lose 10 lbs. I kept getting distracted and falling back in to lousy eating habits and getting really frustrated that the weight wasn’t coming off quicker. I had no idea how to count calories or determine my protein, carbohydrate and fat needs. I was winging it, and now even crash dieting wasn’t working like it had in the past. I was extremely frustrated yet remained determined.
It was this frustration and determination that landed me at LA Weight Loss Center in December 2001. I remember the day I was faced with the decision to join and sign on the dotted line. The clinic manager asked me why I was apprehensive. I responded by saying “I don’t want to pay someone for something I can do myself.” She responded with the following, “Well, obviously you can’t or you wouldn’t be here.” Despite her less than jovial bedside manner, I joined anyway! They offered soy protein bars in conjunction with their diet plan. While I did delight in the milky chocolate and raspberry flavors of these bars for a few months, I ultimately dropped them and stuck with the diet alone. I had decided that I wanted to lose this weight without gimmicks. There wasn‘t a quick fix that worked in the past and I wanted to learn how to eat and keep this weight off. This plan was about learning how to eat. How to fuel my body and stop the cravings that had led me to gain so much weight in the past.
I remember saying to my husband that this was different and “it’s going to be about me for a while.” Ever supportive in all of my weight loss endeavors, he had encouraged me to “go for it” and became my biggest supporter! The diet was strict and I got the hang of it quickly. I weighed in 2-3 times a week and met with my counselor faithfully. The plan revolved around eating all natural foods, no pre-packaged items or quickie foods. I learned that if I veered off course, I’d gain weight. Another lesson learned the hard way was that if I ate something high in fat or processed the result would be my getting really sick. The bottom line was that if I put good stuff in my body, I felt good and had a more energy! I ended up losing about 67 lbs. with LA Weightloss.
I floundered around for a few years much more comfortable in my size 8 jeans but still not very comfortable in my now sagging skin. I had quit smoking and had more energy than I could measure. My sleep patterns were better, and I was operating on 7 hours of sleep rather than ten. Men held doors for me, women said things like “wow, I want to look like you” and I received compliment after compliment. My weight was hovering around 145 lbs. I still felt like something was missing.
I decided to create my own diet to add variety and help me stay on track. While sticking with the basic tenants of eating right, which included vegetables, fruits, lean protein and whole grains, I added in various other items to enhance the selection of foods and turn the diet in to a plan for life and not just for weight loss. I still felt heavy and wanted to get to 130 lbs. If attainable, this weight would represent a loss of 100 lbs. when all was said and done. And so, my journey continued…
Then in October 2004, while I was teaching my daughter to ride her bike, it hit me…there is running involved in this activity. Everyone knows the drill…run holding on to the bike while your child pedals with all their might and then let go. But my daughter kept yelling “Mommy, don‘t let go,“ so I kept running. By the end of the weekend I’d logged about five miles by running behind her bike as we went around our neighborhood. It was no picnic! We were stopping after every 100 feet or so in order for me to catch my breath and swallow my need to vomit. I had never been that physically active in my entire adult life. By Monday, when I weighed in, I had gotten off my weight plateau. I recall thinking, “You know there might just be something to this running thing!” I started jogging on my treadmill (yeah, I owned one, but never used it), doing about 14-minute miles.
I would watch the Biggest Loser television reality show while I ran because the trainers inspired me. I literally fell in love with Bob and Jillian. The contestants motivated me to continue. Some of them were back at the weight I had started at, or even larger. My theory was that if they could do it, then so could I.
A co-worker approached me and urged me to do a 5k with her. She claimed she wasn’t a very fast runner and would run at my pace. Six weeks later, I ran my first 5k on Thanksgiving morning with my friend urging me every step of the way. I was 35 years old and my time was 35 minutes, I had beaten my age. I had two goals that day…one was to not stop and walk, and the other was to not die. I’m happy to report that I met both goals. I left that race with a new goal….beat 30 minutes in a 5k. Who had I become?
My next race was a defining moment in my life. I trained for four months to beat 30 minutes. I trained one mile at a time with my daughter, ironically on her bike in front of me, clocking me at each mile marker. A friend trained too, and we would stay in touch via email about our successes and failures as we clocked mile after mile on our respective treadmills.
On race day, the skies opened up and it poured rain for hours. We ran the race that day in the rain, the pouring rain. My husband calls it the biggest wet t-shirt contest he has ever seen. When I say pouring rain, I mean we were so wet that our sneakers weighed in at 5 lbs each. I ran through the gate at 30:20 that day screaming a less than lady like profanity. It broke my heart that I didn’t meet my goal.
Those twenty seconds are always on my mind when I run but not in a bad way. They are a reminder that I don’t give up anymore. I follow through and finish what I start. Those 20 seconds represent a lot of hard work, sweat, devotion and self-motivation. They also represent my tears. The tears that used to come when my pants were too tight or when I’d catch my reflection. The tears that come every time I cross a finish line. I am proud to say that I’m no longer a “giver-upper.”
I have beaten that 30 minute barrier several times now, but that rainy day in June still sticks in my head. The old Cathy would have stopped, given up and not tried again. Heck, she never would have even considered running in a race. The new Cathy, well she set a another goal and beat that one too!!! I went on to crush my time and currently run a 5k in about 27:45. Now? I run 5 or 6 miles now just to clear my head, it’s become a passion. I continue to push myself to go faster, go further or run just one more hill. I’ve become a runner!
As my weight dropped even further, I started to discover that toning and lifting weights goes hand in hand with my running program. The trainers on the Biggest Loser continued to inspire me and motivate me. I would copy their workouts, read their books cover to cover, and buy their DVDs. The contestants on that show are amazing and while they have latest technology and world class trainers to push them along, they still come from the same place I did…a place of self loathing and feeling inferior.
About a year ago, I had an opportunity to attend a seminar in Washington, DC and meet Jillian Michaels. After hearing all the powerful independent women speak that day I walked away knowing what I wanted; to share my story and inspire other woman to set goals and attain them. I wanted everyone to feel as good as I do and to hold their heads up and look others in the eye. I wanted them to know that when you beat your weight problems you gain a new outlook on life. I wanted them to push themselves out of their comfort zone and accomplish things they never thought were possible. I wanted to be a personal trainer, nutrition and wellness coach!
That is the idea behind C & C Fitness, Inc. It’s the culmination of my experiences and ultimately my commitment to change. I changed my life, it just had to start with my weight. My weight is about 130 lbs. now. It’s strange to me that including my beginning weight seemed so vital. Yet, as I look at it from the other side of the self-loathing it seems meaningless. My weight no longer defines who I am. My accomplishments and commitment to living a healthy life with my family and helping others now defines me as a person.
I am still blessed with the same understanding, awesome husband and my beautiful baby is now twelve years old. Life is good. I am happy. We are happy. I hope I have taught my daughter to live a healthy life that includes eating right, exercising and believing in herself. I hope that I can impact others and help them meet their goals.
I’d like to share in your journey. Let’s get started…together!